How do I stop people from moving the benches around?

Oh, you think benches are free-range furniture? That they should wander like wild goats across the park? No, my friend. I’ve had enough of your nomadic seating habits. So let’s talk about how to stop people from moving benches around, because I—a humble, bolted-down bench—have feelings too.

First, ask yourself: why do people move benches? The sun, the shade, a better view of the duck pond? (The ducks are overrated, by the way.) The answer is temptation. A bench that isn’t anchored is a bench begging to be dragged. So, number one: anchor me. Use concrete footings or ground spikes. I’m not high-maintenance—just give me a bolt or two into the ground, and I’ll stay put like a stubborn garden gnome.

But what if you can’t drill into the pavement? Try a heavy base. A stone or metal pedestal that weighs more than your aunt’s luggage. I’ll be too heavy to shift unless your park visitors are secretly bodybuilders. And for extra sass, add a sign: “This bench is not a hitchhiker. Please don’t move me.” I guarantee a few giggles and less wandering.

Still catching people dragging me to a patch of grass? Install a chain or cable lock. Connect me to a nearby tree or lamppost. I’ll look like a secure dog in a yard, but at least I won’t end up in someone’s backyard barbecue zone.

Finally, use social pressure. Ask the city to add a small plaque: “This bench stays here so everyone can enjoy the view. Thank you for not moving it.” People respond to polite guilt. And if they still move me? Well, I’ll just have to send my angry pigeon army. Consider yourself warned.